Cullen Men Can Cook
by nikki-of-stormhold
Summary: The males in the Cullen family may be vampires, but Carlisle is determined to show Esme etc.that they are actually useful- by having a mass cooking session. Can they cook? Humour, rated T for Cullen swearing outbursts due to fire.


Cullen Cooks

**Cullen Cooks**

The Cullen males stood in a line before the head of their family, watching him as he wrestled with a pile of fabric.

"Er, Carlisle, what are you doing?" Edward asked, waiting for his father figure to look up.

"Gentlemen, we have a point to prove." He looked up and the three younger vampires shifted their weight almost nervously.

"Certain werewolves in this town believe that vampires are a parasite, and that we can not possibly do anything worthwhile in our community. In an attempt to prove them wrong, I have entered us into the town bake sale."

Carlisle ignored the gasps and growls of disbelief and pried apart the four aprons he was holding, handing one to each of his adopted sons and donning one himself. The younger vampires looked at each other and scowled.

"No way Carlisle," Emmett growled.

His father sighed and went over to the kitchen counter.

"Look Emmet, I will not have those dogs putting us to shame in the bake sale tomorrow. We are going to prove that we can cook just as well as they can."

"Er, just one problem there," Jasper said.

"What's that then?"

"We can't."

Carlisle sighed again and smiled.

"Ok Jasper, two thing. One, yes we can, and two- I already challenged them and the competition is on. So I suggest we get cooking!"

He helped Jasper on with his apron, just as the Cullens' house door flew open. Jacob Black strolled in lazily.

"Jacob Black?"

"Hi, I just thought I'd come and watch, you know, make sure it was a fair game and all."

Carlisle smiled pleasantly.

"Of course, in fact, you might as well help."

Jacob thought for a minute.

"Well seeing as we are going to beat you hands down, a little help wouldn't hurt. Any excuse to wind you lot up." He took the apron that Carlisle handed him and put it on, smiling at the disgruntled vampires behind him.

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Carlisle assigned everyone various challenges. He himself was going to make cookies, Edward was on the Victoria sponge- now joined by Jacob as a bonding exercise and Jasper was going to attempt cheese straws. Only one member of the group was unwilling to comply. Emmet did not much fancy the idea of fairy cakes, and was instead adamant that his contribution to the bake sale would be….

"Salad."

The men looked at him in a confused fashion.

"Emmet, you can't make salad in a bake sale," Edward said.

"Why not?"

"Well, the name says it all. _Bake_ sale."

"I'M NOT BAKING!" Emmet screamed. "If you make me bake I'll tell Esme," he said to Carlisle threateningly. Ignoring his son's threat Carlisle handed him a lettuce.

"Knock yourself out son," he said wearily. The others just shook their heads.

Carlisle 

"Hmm. Cookies. How hard can this be? The book says flour and stuff. I can do that." Carlisle began to pour ingredients into a bowl, estimating due to the lack of scales in the Cullen house.

"I'm a doctor. This cannot be anywhere near as hard as medical degrees." He cracked some eggs and mixed his dough, smiling at his apparent success. This was going well. He looked up to watch his sons and their guest, pleased at his idea to put Jacob and Edward together. They were both focused on a list of ingredients and looked relatively calm. He was about to comment when Jasper poked him.

"Carlisle?"

"Hmm?"

"Is that stuff 'spose to be sticking to your face?"

"What? Argh!" He began to scrape it off as his son laughed.

"Someone give me a spatula!"

"We don't own a spatula! We're vampires!"

Edward and Jacob 

"Its 150 grams."

"No it isn't you moron, its 200."

"Look you f- OW! You did that on purpose!" Jacob picked up a bowl and smashed Edward over the head with it.

"No I didn't!" Edward hit him back with a whisk and then punched him. The forgotten sponge cake mixture lay on the floor, as various kitchen appliances and implements flew around violently. Edward lost his balance and fell across Emmet, who was happily shredding some celery.

"What the…" He joined the fight, not really sure whose side he was on.

Carlisle eventually managed to break them up.

"Emmet, what are you playing at?" He said, annoyed.

"Don't look at me, I was just happily minding my own business with that green crap and team cook over there decided to start throwing themselves around."

Carlisle turned to Edward and frowned.

"I'm disappointed in you Edward……what? Why are you both laughing?"

Jacob spoke up.

"I'm sorry man, I just can't take you seriously with cookie dough all over your face."

Jasper 

There isn't much to say really. Jasper got really angry and decided to shred the recipe book, only he regretted it when he calmed down because he had no idea what to do with the ingedients.

"Dude, it's a freakin book, not a deadly enemy." Emmett grinned at his brothers fit of rage.

"They are cheese straws Jasp, use your imagination."

Jasper's imagination was, in the case of cheese straws, incorrect. His idea of baking these constituted grating cheese and his own skin, then sticking it to drinking straws and putting them in the oven. No-one saw so he was quite sure he's got it right.

"Oh yeah," he though. "Alice will be so impressed!"

Emmett

"Man I can't take this seriously," Emmet thought as he assembled various vegetables on the table and picked up a knife. He began to randomly chop and cut violently. After a little while, he instead began to stuff the evidence into random places, including his family's trousers and shirt collars. Edward looked rather alarmed at finding some lettuce leaves in his pants, and Carlisle tried to inconspicuously fish the celery out of his shirt collar. Emmet giggled and began to smash tomatoes with a hammer. Suddenly a piercing scream rang out.

"Arrgh! Juice in my eye!" Unfortunately Emmet's chopping and smashing had been a little too violent, and tomato juice had shot into Jacob's eye. He was screaming and grabbing Edward for support.

"Hold still Jacob, let me take a look." Carlisle took charge of the situation and forced Jacob's hands from his eyes. Whilst he was busy being a doctor, Carlisle neglected his cookies and they caught fire in the oven.

"Shit!" Edward noticed and ran to take them out, not noticing that he'd left the greaseproof paper on the hot ring of the hob. It too caught fire.

"CRAP!" Japser blew the fire out, but in the process he left his cheese covered drinks straws in the microwave and they blew up.

"Bollocks!" Emmet began to pile wet lettuce onto the steaming microwave and the fire went out.

Carlisle looked around the kitchen and Jacob sniveled.

"Ok, so we tried. Get in the car."

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Esme walked through the door, slightly worried. When Carlisle had mentioned his plan, it had startled her. What was she coming home to? As she opened the kitchen door she got the surprise of her life. Her husband stood, leaning against the breakfast bar that never got used, smiling angelically. Next to him there were five plates of very impressive looking cakes and pastries, and the kitchen was sparkling with shiny cleanliness. Her adopted sons and the werewolf stood in a line, looking nervous. She failed to see the bakery boxes outside the door, hidden hastily after a trip to the bakery.

"Wow, I'm sorry I doubted your cooking abilities," she said happily. "Jacob, what happened to your eyes?"

"Errr, a bee flew into them."

The vampires smiled as their unlikely friend kept their secret just that, a secret.

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End file.
